Espresso Death Toll Climbs

Author: george Posted: November 24, 2009


Baristas around the nation are in mourning as yet another espresso has been buried alive in a paper cup by roughly 10 ounces of steaming hot milk, bringing the “uncountable death toll well into the millions for 2009″, officials said early Tuesday morning.

Eye witnesses claim the espresso was extracted directly into a paper cup (which would later become its casket) and was then swirled around aggressively for a few seconds before being ultimately suffocated by a proportion of milk far too great to possibly come through in.

No memorial was held, but as is tradition, a single white rosetta was placed on top of the espresso by the barista before a lid was brought to cover it any longer from public viewing.

15 Responses to “Espresso Death Toll Climbs

  1. Chris says:

    It’s time for change. SOS (SAVE OUR SPRO!)

  2. lawrence says:

    the espresso was dead before the milk having been charred to death in the roaster…

    & don’t forget the ounce of gingerbread or peppermint syrup for the holidays helping to finish off the espresso…

    2010 will hopefully bring an increase in shops refusing to use to-go cups (especially for spro) or serve supersized milk-drinks (in paper or porcelain) … and definitely no flavor syrups !
    (as they say in Brooklyn, NO SPRO TO GO BRO)

  3. Robyn Yager says:

    my condolences to friends and family.
    he was a good man.

  4. Bryan Wray says:

    Haha, fantastic writing! Loved the part about the single rosetta being placed on top.


  5. Julian G says:

    Would that essentially make some of us hit-men? Y’know – “killing” ‘spro for money? And I suppose the customer is an accessory to murder by covering up the evidence? Thanks for letting that sit on my conscience :(

    On a side note: the other day at work, I brought into the world three beautiful double-shots. I died a little when the customer said,

    “…Oh, I forgot to ask for decaf. And could we get them to-go instead of for-here?”

    SOS, indeed.

  6. Emily Oak says:

    i wish all the people of and Vancouver the very best in this difficult time.

  7. Sam Holland says:

    I regret that I have not been at the past several funerals. The espresso is dear to my heart and will be greatly missed.

  8. Les K says:

    As much as I sympathize with the family and friends of the deceased surrounding this truly tragic event … this pales in comparison to the soy actrocities…

    All for the sake of intestinal purity.

  9. What NO Venti Gingerbread Lattes @ TIBS ? « daily YHZ espresso says:

    [...] Do I have to go to crema in Vancouver for one of these ?  ;) [...]

  10. Tyler Brown says:

    When will this madness stop?

  11. P Oshaugnessy says:

    The boxing combination punch of paper, then milk. A power punch, a body shot.


  12. Collin says:

    so say i worked at a ubiquitous chain famous for destroying coffee and serving in paper cups.
    Am i an assassin?

  13. lawrence says:

    collin if you worked at that ubiquitous chain, don’t worry… the coffee was destroyed before you get your hands on it.

  14. Collin says:

    Very true. Oh so terribly true.

    Well i’ll be laying down my deadly steaming pitcher and moving on to more peaceful work soon.

  15. anne goodnow says:

    At least, it was only 10 oz. of milk. With 16 or 20 oz, it would have been a so much more painful death. God rest his soul…

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